The Realization

I love taking walks while the sun is setting. Nothing ends my day better than going on a nice, long walk around our property, especially with a sunset. It can be altogether breath-taking. When I take these walks, I pray. It is my time to be alone with my God, pray to Him, and think about and observe things that have been going on in my life. Last week, on a Friday night, I went on my daily walk. It was perfect. There was no wind, all was still and quiet, with one of the most beautiful sunsets. I acknowledged the beauty, and breathed in that amazingly crisp and cool fall air. Yet, that evening, my heart was extremely heavy. I needed to cry and pray. I needed to be alone; just me and my God. As I walked down the back road behind the house, looking over the newly cut cornfield to the left of me that appeared as a field of gold with the setting sun's rays falling across it, I let it out. I cried and I prayed; I poured out my heart to my God, asking Him to help me with why my heart was so heavy. He did help me, as I knew He would, and He is so good.

I'm sure that you all are wondering what exactly it was that had made my heart feel so heavy. And before I go on with writing this, I must let you all know. Here it is: I long for and desire to have face-to-face fellowship with fellow, like-minded believers. It is something that I have desired for a long time now, something that I very rarely get to experience. I have lived in the middle of southwest Kansas for the majority of my life, in the same town and house my family and I are living in now. Some would say that's sad, others would consider it a blessing to have been raised here (I consider it to be a little bit of both). Ever since I have moved out here, I have never had a person be a true, loyal friend to me (some still have yet to prove themselves). Not one like-minded person have I met in person that I have been able to have a continual, edifying, God-glorifying friendship with; a friend that I could actually fellowship with. There was a time when God blessed me with a friendship that I felt was glorifying to Him. It was such a blessing to me, because I had that Christian fellowship. However, because of how badly I wanted to have that Christian fellowship with that seemingly like-minded friend, I was blinded to who that friend really was. The person that I considered to be one of my best friends turned away from the Lord. And there I was, without a like-minded friend to trust or fellowship with. This happened a little over seven months ago.

The lack of face-to-face fellowship with fellow, like-minded believers over these past seven months is not because of a lack of being around people. What has been lacking and what always has been lacking is the meeting of Christians that actually care and love others; that actually care about and love me for who I am (the same thing goes for my entire family, when it comes to Christians and themselves). When I feel the presence of a caring, loving Christian, it really just makes my day! There is nothing quite so amazing as to feel the presence of someone like you; someone in the faith; a brother/sister in Christ. I love this quote by Charles Spurgeon:

". . .whenever I find a man in whom there rests the Spirit of God, the spirit within me leaps to hear the spirit within him, and we feel that we are one. The Spirit of God in one Christian soul recognizes the Spirit in another."

When I meet those Christians, and feel that presence of the spirit, all I want to do is be able to talk with them. It gives me so much joy to do so. So few people realize just how much face-to-face Christian fellowship means to me. It means so much. In a lot of ways, when I fellowship with Christians face-to-face, it encourages me. I know that I am not the only one around here that people consider strange. And while I do enjoy having that label for being a Christian (yes, I do enjoy it, which I'm sure people would call "strange" in and of itself), I also find great joy and encouragement in knowing that I am not the only one! When God blesses me with running into fellow Christians in public that I greatly enjoy being around, it makes my day. I feel that every moment that I have with those people--the fellowship that I have with them, though it may be brief--is something to be completely and totally cherished, because it so rarely happens. . .

. . .which brings us back to myself, with my heavy heart, with my tears, praying to my God, on a Friday night. As I stated earlier on in this post: God did help me, as I knew He would. As I was standing there that evening, looking into the sunset, thinking over the past several months and years that have gone by without much face-to-face fellowship with like-minded, Christian people, God kept pressing one truth upon my heart. That truth being this: my relationship with Him is closer because of it, I have never-ending fellowship with Him. I have not had that face-to-face fellowship that I have wanted with people, but I have grown exceedingly close to my God, and my relationship with Him is strong. What a blessing! What an immense blessing! Something so hard led me to the realization of something so beautiful. When I look at it in that light, when I see what God has been doing in my relationship with Him, the struggle and the hardness of not having what I want to have disappears entirely. Our God is so good, He is worthy to be praised! As I walked home that evening, into that beautiful sunset which had almost disappeared entirely behind the trees; my heart was no longer heavy, the desire to cry had vanished, and my heart was overwhelmed with the goodness of my God.

(Note: It is still a prayer of mine that God would bring someone into my life that I can have the blessing of being able to fellowship with in person on a regular basis. It is also a prayer of mine, however, that I may be fully satisfied with my fellowship with my God until that time comes. I will take the time to add here, before I close this post, that God has blessed me with amazing friends, whom I have met online, and with whom I can fellowship online. One of which has been one of the dearest, most like-minded, best friend that I have ever had. God has blessed my life with her friendship in ways that I'm pretty sure no person that I meet and fellowship with face-to-face ever could. Apart from her friendship, He has blessed me with several other friendships with people that I have met online, as well. Praise be to our sovereign God who truly knows what His children need!) Soli Deo Gloria.